Songs of Pain and Hope

(From the Indiana years)

One of my favorite scenes from Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird occurs when Calpurnia, the African-American servant of Atticus Finch, describes how she learned to read.  People automatically assume that she learned from reading the Bible, but she replies that she learned to read from Sir William Blackstone’s Commentaries on the Laws of England.  Aside from the subtle criticism of religious fundamentalists, this scene is profound. 

For those of you unfamiliar with that text, the Commentaries is arguably the greatest legal text ever written.  It greatly influenced the jurisprudence (legal philosophy) of the United States and that of other countries.  Judges over the ages have granted great deference to Blackstone’s ideas on how the law is to shape society. 

When Blackstone wrote the Commentaries (they were originally lectures), however, he was considered to be a failure.  He was a fat and unsuccessful thirty year old lawyer at the time.  When he delivered the lectures for the first time, he acknowledged that he was of no consequence.  

I like the scene about Calpurnia from To Kill a Mockingbird because it cautions against presumptions.  That point can also be made about Blackstone.  Sir Ian McKellen (Gandalf, Magneto), stated recently that at the age of 64, he is finally in the prime of his life and that there is no need to fret about when or whether things will happen.  Tolkien appropriately concludes, “All that is gold does not glitter; Not all who wander are lost…” 

I managed to retrieve writing from a 5 year period that covered my last year of law school in Indiana to the end of my first year in Boston where I was earning my PhD. Most importantly, that period covered the time I served in Philadelphia as an Assistant DA or prosecutor – one of the most formative and proudest periods of my life. I will post some of them. They are from a younger version of me but may have some value. I ask forgiveness for any immaturity or unripe thoughts.

This one is from my DA years.

I was asked recently what my career path looks like.  This is my answer. 

Today, I am a Philadelphia Assistant District Attorney. Tomorrow, if I am still breathing, I will be a Philadelphia Assistant District Attorney, In all likelihood, next week and next year, I will be a Philadelphia Assistant District Attorney. 

With my brother and sister prosecutors: I am the voice of the victim and the powerless. I am the voice of the City and the Commonwealth. I pick up the broken pieces of society. I fight winnable battles in an unwinnable war. I am the Dutch boy plugging a leaky dyke. I am an imperfect man seeking perfect justice in a flawed system, but I know this is a dream – while I retain some idealism, I also am realistic. So while tomorrow may be another story, today I am a Philadelphia Assistant District Attorney.  

And I know He smiles on me. 

Quo vadis, Domine?

We are all somehow walking each other to a better place or home.  Yet, there are threads of grace and destiny.  Often imperceptible.  I taught my daughter to be like water.  Water cannot be destroyed.  She said it can evaporate.  I replied, yes, but it’s still there.  You can’t see or feel it, but you know.

He hiorganizational issues in Twitter like posts.  Once, I “won” the Teaching Award as a PhD student (over the regular and adjunct faculty – was voted the award but technically couldn’t receive it

I told my high school Spanish teacher that our students loved us because we loved them.  Other professors would ask for my syllabi, lesson plans, lectures, etc.  They didn’t get it.  Teaching has its place for creativity, intelligence, planning.

But it’s about the heart.  Corazon.

Another teacher who coached my friend on the wrestling team taught that you go out there alone, but your team is behind you.  Powerful and profound.

I learned kindness from my good teachers.  I was gracious and kind to those who were vulnerable and anxious.  Taught many students from difficult backgrounds – poverty, neglect, abuse, even one who was homeless.  A good number became cops, prosecutors, teachers, and other decent members of society.

As to the arrogant ones (including the entitled subordinates I had in NYC), I was just ok.  No one is perfect.

The above are the names of two animals I adopted as totems to guide me through life – the Malaysian tiger and the Malaccan mousedeer.

The tiger is the national animal of my homeland.  Representing strength, fierceness, courage.  Our national soccer team’s uniform is yellow with black stripes, with our trademark never say die attitude.  On some iterations of the team’s jersey, the following verse from our national anthem is printed – “Tanah Tumpahnya Darahku” translated as “My blood spills on the ground” and referring to a Malaysian newborn’s blood hitting the earth of his or her homeland.  These words to me are the most powerful in our anthem and get me every time.  The best jungle fighters in the world.  The only country in history to wage a successful counterinsurgency campaign through the winning of hearts and minds.  In my sadder moments, I tell myself a wounded tiger is still a tiger.

The mousedeer is the state animal of my parents’ hometown, Malacca.  A famous trading port colonized by the Portuguese, Dutch, and the British, it is known for the intelligence of its citizens.  Legend has it that a prince was resting by a river when his two hunting dogs cornered a mousedeer, a small animal.  The mousedeer lures the dogs to the side of the river and kicks them in.  Recognizing this as a good omen, the prince establishes his state there.  Courage and intelligence over raw strength.  Attributes I tried to emulate.

I got caned a lot.  Many times unnecessarily and for no real good reason.  For those unfamiliar, it was with a rattan cane.  The thinner and more frayed, the more damage and pain it inflicts.

It is our way – the Malaysian way.

We are harsh and tough motherfuckers at times.  

King Kong ain’t got shit on us per Denzel in Training Day.

The key to surviving the caning is not to fear or dread the stroke.  Or tense up – definitely not this.  The correct approach is to relax oneself, welcome, and even embrace what is coming.  That is really the only way to make it through.

Per Eddieb Vedder, this all made me wise but I don’t have to give thanks or apologize.

When I reflect on the many times I faced bigger, stronger, smarter, etc opponents, I recall these moments and remember I’m in all likelihood, tougher than they were.  

Life is often about how much you can endure at some point.  

My faith teaches that by stripes we are healed.  There is truth and wisdom to that saying.

And King Kong.   

That part resonates.

One of my early cases involved a Hmong gang.  They had a big brother little brother mentoring program where a senior gang member would be assigned from another region to teach skills to their mentees.  In this case, check forging as well as some weapons training.  Can you imagine your church or work implementing all this?  Most of my jobs I was given the employee handbook, some type of work related manual or guide and pretty much left alone to figure it out.  And boy did I have a lot of fun doing so – making up stuff as I went along – you really don’t want to know exactly where and how but let’s say that I left a couple of handprints in concrete like a school kid.

In any case, the senior gang member was teaching how to forge work checks from what I believe was KFC but stupidly keeping some of the proceeds for himself rather than letting it go to the full pot.  And so his students, like a certain wayward Jedi knight have to kill their master.

And so they do.

After they all take a car ride together, they distract him as he exits and then shoot him.  I remember this case clearly because there was video of him dying on the operating table – it was necessary for evidentiary purposes, dying declaration if I remember anything from law school.  He was a big guy too – in the 300 lb range.

I have often thought about this case because it highlighted the fear and fragility of life, essentially in the last moments.  I won’t write more about the details because they are not easy to describe.  Still much easier than the more subtle and insidious forms of misbehavior all around.  I was very young when I had the case – just turned 25.  After seeing this, I longed for the girl I lit the candles for.  

But she wasn’t there.  

Just the Mississippi River and the Minnesota night to turn to.

I still lit a candle for her that evening.

Of all the places I’ve gone to, I hated prison and jails the most.  More so than the drug neighborhoods and other assorted crappy places I’ve gone to, including some jobs.  I didn’t like the overall environment, clanging doors, looks of inmates, tight security, and all that.  Like all the crap I put up with in this joyful disappointing existence, I just gritted my teeth and did it, breathing relief thereafter.

But this one is about preparation.

One of the most famous characters in my faith is Joseph.  Technicolor dream coat, dreams, sent to the pit, sold into slavery, false accusations, and being sent to prison unjustly.

But prison is where he needed to be for his destiny.  Like Don Corleone, it takes an act of injustice to launch you into what has been ordained.

I heard somewhere and with good reasoning that the prison he got sent to was for political prisoners.  And that’s how he learned the skills to eventually rule over Egypt.  But I think it’s also more than that – the dangers and challenges of prison life for him ready for the cutthroats, backstabbers, underminers, and other goodies of political life.  Just because he ended up with a high position after his release did not exempt him from these realities.

Most of my career involved some type of political work.  It was brutal and petty.  At some point, I realized that the worst enemies weren’t the criminals out on the street but the ones inside the building.  This has been true also of schools and churches.  Power tends to corrupt and all that.  I want to be done with all that and plant some vegetables but I also see how many of my life experiences got me ready to not only survive these environments but also throw my middle finger at some of these perps as well.

One of the phrases that has resonated in recent years is that nothing is wasted.  It came suddenly to me after an interesting series of events and it rang true without really much thought.  The more I recollected and wrote, I started to see how skills and experienced I picked up at different points played a role later down the road.  My ambassador mentor told me that I’d be surprised to see what I would find useful from a prior life.

And she was correct.

In NYC, not only did I use a ton of my educational and professional skills but something that will sound funny but makes sense if one knew the quality and character of many of the people I was with.

Volunteering at the church nursery.

My daughter observed that many villains in movies and shows like to explain exactly how their plots work.  She said how stupid this was. You can tell she’s my daughter.

I have long reflected on the baptism scene in the first Godfather movie.  Michael wipes out all his enemies and settles all debts in a stunning move.  It is brilliant.

It took years to put the plan in motion.  And it started with his dad forswearing vengeance and promising it would not be him who would break the peace.  

The Corleones lull everyone else into a false sense of security by feigning weaknesses. And then scheduling the killing stroke on the baptism day of Michael’s nephew.

Perfect.

Who would plan such a thing on such a holy day?  Game of Thrones borrowed their Red Wedding scene from this for sure.

But this is also how God works.

His plans have been set into motion since the start of time.  Everything has been accounted for and the moves vary – simple to complex, one step to layered.

That is part of the magic.

Ive started teaching my kids various things.  From hockey, music, Tasers, stop and frisk, etc.

And how to plan a baptism.