Songs of Pain and Hope

Wander

August 17th, 2024

(For the girl I lit the candles for)

Taoist references to how great people develop aside, I’ve loved the movie Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon for many reasons. The beautiful cinematography, the themes of teacher-student, calling, duty, sacrifice, regret.

I’m no physical warrior but can identify somewhat with the Li Mu Bai / Chow Yun Fat character. A traveler, a wanderer, a teacher. And he has a friend, – a traveling warrior like him and the woman he loves. Her name is similar to yours – Yu Shu Lien / Michelle Yeoh.

When dying, Mu Bai finally confesses how he feels about Shu Lien. She tells him not to waste his last breaths on her, but instead to meditate on the afterlife so he can enter heaven. He replies, “I’d rather be a ghost, drifting by your side as a condemned soul, than enter heaven without you.”

This scene always got to me and I thought that’s what i would have liked to say to you if I were more eloquent and like Mu Bai. I never saw you a flower to be protected or prize to be won – rather a fellow traveler and warrior.

The words of Tolkien also ring true:

All that is gold does not glitter

Not all those who wander are lost

The old that is strong does not wither

Deep roots are not reached by the frost
Inshallah

August 17th, 2024

A naive fool

I used to plan in decades

Then it became years, then months, then weeks

Now it is barely even down to days

For what is guaranteed to us?

Not even our next breath

At our peril, we ignore Inshallah

The will of God

Seemingly capricious

But maybe really secretly gracious

Like the accident that saves your life

Or the mistakes that get you ready

To receive the greatest blessings
The Bridesmaids

August 17th, 2024

I’ve been a groomsman quite a bit in this life. Often, people would try to set me up with the not-so-attractive bridesmaid. But I would always find the prettiest one and get to dance with her (and get her information). Many times, they would be alone because others would be too intimidated to even ask.

I’m not particularly good-looking, athletic, or smart, but I had guts (or as my Spanish teacher puts it, cojones elefantes).

I had a talk with my uncle (the eldest of nine who grew up in poverty). He said I was fearless. I replied not at all, I was afraid a lot. But the one thing I was more afraid of was being a coward.

I told him that courage covered up a lot of my deficiencies. He agreed and said that without courage, all deficiencies get magnified.
Places

August 17th, 2024

(For the girl I lit the candles for)

My first year in Philadelphia, I placed a map on my office wall. On it, I marked down the locations of where my cases occurred. It was pretty much everywhere. By the end of the year, the map was completely marked up. I didn’t get a new one. That was the one and only year I implemented this practice.

The map didn’t just cover Philadelphia, but also adjoining areas. Including Princeton. Always a bit geographically challenged, I finally realized you were just an hour away. And that was super cool and hopeful.

Philadelphia wasn’t an easy experience – dangerous, didn’t really know anyone, difficult work and colleagues, but knowing you were somewhat nearby was comforting.

Recently, I thought of these geographic coincidences we have had. I could have gone to a much better school than the University of Maryland, but for many reasons out of my control, I end up there. But I got to meet and know you. That Digene job, right next door to your house. And Bloomington, it made me smile that you were born there. And Georgetown, that first year summer when we were in the same vicinity. And Philadelphia, I interviewed all over the US, and end up there. And even now.

One time, I went up on a whim to Princeton with my friend. I was in an EMT class at the time and she was visiting. I told her a bit about you and she egged me on to visit you. So we drove up. And we found you. At the Philadelphia Marathon that you ran, I just trusted my instincts to find you in a crowd of thousands. And I did.

I got to walk with you several times. To me, it was serenity on earth. You probably didn’t feel the same way, but to me it was walking with an angel. This one time when I visited, one of your friends was looking me up and down. In the street, we call it something a bit profane, so I’ll leave it at that. My guess is she was wondering – who is this idiot? I didn’t care. I got to walk with a beautiful girl at one of the most beautiful campuses in the country. I would be so happy driving back home. The next morning too, but it was now more of a bittersweet, achy feeling.

And in Boston, I did think of you more than at Fenway.
Places

August 17th, 2024

Tell me about all the places where you’ve been

The ones where coffee is served

Within earshot of the muezzin’s call to prayer

Where man-made wonders reflect the majesty of the City of God

Where His original Creation makes your heart tear up with their beauty

The places you’ve only visited

In the Dreaming – magical and mysterious, but real

And the places where you’re afraid to go

The ones buried under the weight of years

Hidden with monsters imaginary and real

All these places

Ithaca, Troy, Paris, and Berlin

The jungle rain

The desert plain

And all the places you’ve called and wish to call

Home
The Game In Middle School

August 17th, 2024

In middle school, we Asian kids (especially immigrants) were picked on and bullied for a variety of reasons (and sometimes by teachers). In gym class one day, a few of us decided to form a basketball team (represented by India, Bangladesh, Taiwan, Hong Kong, and Malaysia). The other team started to laugh and mock us.

Until we beat them soundly.

Bigger, Faster, Taller.

No match for will, teamwork, and hours of practicing jumpshots.

Quicker, Tougher, Smarter.

I’ve never been especially athletic, but once upon a time I had almost unlimited range and played defense like a bat out of hell. In the history of the universe, an inconsequential day, but for those of us who played, a momentous one, a day of victory, joy, and hope.
Hide

August 17th, 2024

(For the girl I lit the candles for)

Does everyone hide? Maybe. I don’t know.

I think so.

I know I did.

So afraid to show who I really was. So afraid of rejection, not being accepted, valued, loved – probably justifiably. But how could I ever be really loved, valued, or accepted when I hid so much? To let go, to surrender – that is the risk we take in order to be known and loved.

I’ll also say this – growing up in my family, church, school, it was hard to fit in. If I showed my hard side – the law enforcement, strategic thinking, etc. then it was not godly enough or too prickly, worldly, as my former pastors would put it. If I showed my soft side – the writing, feelings, etc – then I was effeminate, emotional, weak. What was left for anyone to value or love after all that?

And we’re not even talking about the hidden, broken parts

Here’s my hard, soft, some hidden sides, and the remnants of the heavy but fearsome armor I had to wear for so long. My armor was my experience, intelligence, even humor, my seemingly tough skin. It served me well for a long time, but ultimately it wasn’t enough. I’m just exhausted now. The armor numbed and wore me out, made me forget there was a human underneath.

But I think you somehow knew better. I call it soft eyes, the ability to see clearer and deeper. You saw glimpses of who I really was. Or at least I think you did, I tried to show you bits and pieces, here and there. I so wanted you to understand.

I’m tired of hiding. Here I am.

Let the chips fall where they may.
Elohim

August 17th, 2024

It wasn’t in the noise of worship where I found Him

But in the dark silence of the empty chapel

Not in the halls of the powerful, no, especially not here

But in the sad, lonely places, the cracked homes of those who cry alone

Not in the empty commands and loud boasts of the mighty

But in the wailing cries of the suffering

The beauty and brokenness of people

The grace underlying even the bitterest of moments

The promise that the sun rises until it no longer will
The High School Tournament

August 17th, 2024

In high school, a bunch of us Asian kids entered the school basketball tournament. We got matched up against a team comprised of several varsity players and overall bigger, taller, faster players.

No Disney ending here. We lose by 30-40 points. At the end of the game, the other team is dunking on us, throwing alley oops, hollering, and yapping. At the start of the game, they are also smirking and showboating. A humiliating moment in my memory.

It wasn’t, however, until recently that I remembered the lesson of that night.

For the first 10 minutes of the game, we were winning. Not just by one basket, but several.

And for a moment, you could see the looks on the other team go from contempt to fear. That we actually showed up to play. Better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
Love

August 17th, 2024

(For the girl I lit the candles for)

I play the “what if” game a lot and friends, family at times aren’t that helpful, they seek some type of logical explanation or try to assign blame for how life turns out – both good and bad. I’ve realized (and it’s hard at times) that things play out the way they do, because they do. I had many good and amazing days, and those matter. I also can’t hide the bad years or my mistakes, but that in itself is a gift.

We are designed to be imperfect and frail at times. But I am really strong. And also really weak. Really brave and really scared. Very human and still created in the image of God.

As I see it, one of the main goals in life (if not the primary one) is to be loved for who we are – all of it. If you can’t get that in someone, then it’s not truly love. I really didn’t get much of it in this life. People loved me when I had something to offer – knowledge, guidance, kindness, protection, being funny. I did so many things to receive love. And although I listened to my heart, I doubted it a lot. Earned the degrees, took difficult jobs, tried to do brave things, gave others what they wanted or needed, etc. – many times just to be loved.

This time – I will wait and be more patient. This time with you, I will be more honest – all of it. I showed people either my armor or silly side, but the truth is deeper and more complex. I cannot offer you wealth, power, status. But my heart, soul, experience is yours (and an amazing network and cooking skills), that’s most of what I’ve kept – while few in number, they are not insubstantial or inconsequential.

I don’t know if you’ll ever feel anything back, but I’m so grateful I could love you from afar. It changed me. It kept me alive in many ways.