In the early mornings
The hours between night and day
When you wake up alone and confused
And you wonder if the pain will ever subside, much less end
And when the only counterweight
Is your entire self crying out for her
Her soul
Her heart
Her body
And you realize it’s somehow enough
To love her from afar
To yearn for her in uncertain hope
As you’ve done for years
It will get you through
Until the next morning
A DA colleague used to make fun of me. To my face. I was sometimes slower in speech and didn’t have the snappiest suits (loans, public service pay). He was from a wealthy Connecticut family and also went to a higher ranked college and law school. Also an NCAA sprinter. Don’t get me wrong, I had good schools on my resume (Go Terps! Go Hoosiers!), just not the elite variety.
Until one day, he walks into the office with his arm in a cast. People ask him what happened. He says “V-Tsien broke it.”
Then they ask me whether I did it on purpose. “No.”
Did you apologize? “No.”
He never bothered me again (at least to my face).
Still water runs deep. For the ways I played sports, it’s a miracle I’ve never broken anything.
(For the girl I lit the candles for)
I’ve always had a feeling that my life would be a journey, even an adventure, rather than a routine, race, or a ladder. All these options have their upsides and downsides, but I’m glad I received what I hoped for – a life that wasn’t uneventful and had deep beauty even though it had difficulty, uncertainty, and doubt. I also wanted to go to difficult places to do difficult things – for the challenge, honor, and maybe stupidly, glory. Ultimately, some of that did happen.
So it won’t be a big house, great wealth, fame, the high-powered position, and apparently, not even the security or stability I envisioned. Instead, it will be memories, stories, actions I’m truly proud of, tears, laughter, pain, joy. Went many places, saw many things, met many people. Really high highs, low lows. I saw a wide range of humanity, kings and pawns, sages and fools, heroes and cowards. Not a bad outcome that.
I took you on so much of the journey. Many times, I would imagine you next to me while I talked to you.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
When your dreams shatter
Into sharp jagged shards
And you’re all cut up and bleeding out
Not really wanting to pick up
Pieces that no longer fit anyway
Don’t rebuild the broken vase, jar, bottle, cup
Or whatever inadequate container that held them
The old ones were a little too safe, small, good
Leave them behind
They weighed you down instead of beckoning you to fly
The real dreaming begins now
Unrestrained, unencumbered, unchained
The irrefusable invitation to live again
In Philadelphia, I would drive back to Maryland every other weekend to teach Bible study. The first group were college kids that no one wanted to teach – the so-called “outcasts” (gay, abandoned, abused, the “loose” one, etc). This group evolved into all college guys. Both times, some church leaders tried to stop these groups. I kept in touch with a good number of those I taught, and recently heard some nice things. One of the guys told me that one of the best things I taught them was to be brave with women and to serenade them. Almost all the guys are now married.
(For the girl I lit the candles for)
You’re the person I’ve prayed the most for in my life. Not only on the road, but at other times as well. I’ve rarely prayed for others, even and especially myself.
Prayer has always been a secret and private practice for me. In public, I often showed disinterest or even disdain when people prayed. Part of it is poor experiences with family, at church, and with those who use prayer as a magic incantation or spell, excuse to do nothing, or a throwaway set of empty words.
Personally, I resisted praying at times because I figured that God already knew what I was thinking and needing at any particular moment. I also generally don’t like closing my eyes and joining the crowd, as well as pretending to listen to long-winded prayers that seem to be written to impress others.
But I realized over time, I inherently believe in the importance and even the power of prayer. Every time I pray for you, I feel the beginning of peace, alleviating of pain, and a lightening of the load. And I really do want you to be safe, secure, and happy – as much as possible in this uncertain, complex world. That was the intended and hoped for motivation in the midst of chaos and competing emotions.
I really like what Bono has to say about prayer – “Someone has likened prayer to being on a rough sea in a small boat with no oars. All you have is a rope that, somewhere in the distance, is attached to the port. With that rope you can pull yourself closer to God.”
Praying for you confirms those sentiments.
Grieve fully and properly
For everything that was
For everything that could have been
Remember the good faces
Try to forgive and forget the bad
And then build
Build love
Build life
Look for grace in all her forms
Or maybe let her find you
Leave justice to God
Or to the wind
It doesn’t matter
It’s not worth carrying around anymore
Let the fountains empty themselves
They stored too little water anyway
Look to the oceans
They never run dry
Just a few months into my tenure with the NYPD, I was summoned to a top-level meeting at the “secret bunker” at the top of One Police Plaza, Headquarters. All the top brass were there – Chiefs, Commissioners, and of course, the legendary Police Commissioner Bill Bratton. Lots of stars, dark blue. Oak paneled walls, TV monitors everywhere. Very serious faces, remarks. I was just supposed to observe until my Deputy Commissioner volunteers me to say something. Put on the spot, I manage to blurt out a few barely intelligible words. Bratton laughs, but what I say is eventually proven accurate. I am 37. For the next four years, I advise the rest of the brass on a variety of issues. A highlight of my life.
(For the girl I lit the candles for)
And here we are at the end of the world and this is where it all begins and ends.
In my life, there were always two streams constantly warring with each other – that God was all He claimed to be and the exact opposite. There is much truth in the idea that our perceptions of God are heavily colored by our experiences with our parents. If our parents are absent or cruel, then we believe God is too. If they are loving and kind, then He is as well. So on and so forth.
Because mine were so unstable, ill-equipped, and generally all over the place, I struggled a lot with fully trusting Him. It depends on the day, but overall and lately, I choose the stream that represents Him as good. Despite all the difficulties, pain, and struggles, I can see His goodness. Not all the time, but enough.
Life is life.
Humans are humans.
God is God.
I saw and experienced a lot of darkness and disappointment – personally and through my professional positions, calling. But I think that I also saw God – in the places I traveled to, the people I met, the beauty I saw, the deep emotions I felt. The story I remember from the Bible is God allowing Moses to see a small part of Him. After this rare opportunity and gift, Moses is changed and at peace with all he has gone and will go through.
The saving grace in all our lives is that God saw everything. The good and bad days, the hidden deeds and misdeeds, ours and those of others. For me, this is comforting because the past would be impossible to evaluate or sort out without a higher, divine wisdom. Not to mention the future.
I’ll also say this, during a conversation with a close friend, I remarked and realized that even though God allowed difficult times and pain, I’ve never been seriously hurt or completely destroyed. I’ve never broken a bone, barely been bloodied, and my soul, spirit, mind are somehow intact.
I ask Him about you a lot. And this time around, for His help. The answers I get back seem to be encouraging.
Listening to Joni and Dylan on Highway 91
The sunlight on the trees looks like a pre-schooler discovered
The red, orange, and yellow section of his Crayola box
“Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got
Till it’s gone”
But not today
And I think of God…
And I think of you
I always think of you when I’m driving
And I imagine heaven must feel something like this
Waking up to a mid-October morning
With you beside me
Songs of Pain and Hope 