Songs of Pain and Hope

(These writings were for someone I loved for a long time. I call her the girl I lit the candles for)

I originally wanted to write these stories, reflections, musings, or whatever they are just to record them for trusted, close family, friends, and myself.  Many are the first time I’ve ever told anyone about what I observed and experienced over my lifetime – either orally or in writing.  There were few opportunities or avenues to share them.  I’ve narrated some as a teacher, but other than that, rarely elsewhere.

Somewhere along the way, I realized I wanted to write more for and about you.  These ones are just for you.  You’re either the focus or are in some way involved in most of them, but some reveal my more private thoughts on topics close to my heart.  You’re in some of the rest I wrote as the girl I lit the candles for.

At this point of the journey, I want someone to know all the things I kept hidden away, not only for years, but decades.  And for some of them, I would like it to be you.  Even when we were younger, I always wanted it to be you. I just knew – call it God, intuition, guesswork, the universe, or whatever.  So many of the car rides we had together and other conversations, I wanted to tell you so much.  You are one of the only people I’ve ever told the details of some of my casework to as well as how I grew up, my hopes, fears, and other topics.

I also wanted to know so much about you – big things, small things, deep things, silly things.  I rarely felt that way about anyone, even those who were supposed to be closest to me.  Most of the time, I was just too happy, nervous, or excited just to be with you.

I’ve written for a living – legal, academic, policy, strategy, but I’ve never written like this before.  The reason I think is because of pain.  It’s like the inadequate pottery once containing everything has shattered and now it all just flows out.  It’s also like someone else or a higher, mystical power is holding the pen and these stories are writing themselves.

It makes sense.  The powerful writing in the Bible is similar.  David on the run.  Paul in prison.  Solomon as a weary, jaded ruler.  I suspect this is true in other works of literature or art as well.  In my world, Bono and Eddie Vedder because of their upbringing and other life experiences.  And so many more examples.  The skills I’m proudest of – the jumpshot, the guitar, saving shots, catching fly balls, problem solving, and even writing – in significant part, from pain.

I have also finally found better, more appropriate words and perspectives to more accurately convey these thoughts and feelings.  Naturally introverted and sensitive, I absorbed a lot but took a lot of time to process what I saw, heard, and felt.  I wasted so many of my words, love, and energy on less important things. That has started to change.

I can’t really sing for you. But these are my songs for and to you.