Songs of Pain and Hope

Letters Of Faith – Defense Against The Dark Arts And North Carolina

November 16th, 2024

The Defense Against the Dark Arts course at Hogwarts was a genius idea by JK Rowling. A portion of a course I taught involved a similar concept. My students appreciated it. I actually haven’t read any of the books but have watched all the movies. I recently remarked to a friend that all the Defense teachers were evil and she corrected me that a few were misunderstood. I can relate.

I’ve found out that people apply what they know to what I know. And it often doesn’t align. I remember reading about an FBI profiler who would look at crime scene details during the day and come home to dinner to listen to his wife stress out about something trivial in comparison like the color of drapes. It’s a common problem in not only law enforcement but in general. I didn’t specifically have this issue after a few years in the field because I figured out how to compartmentalize. In fact, I learned to not let on what I saw by talking about funny things. For me, the harder scenarios in which this gap has manifested are the family, cultural, and political minefields I’ve faced. I’ve rarely to never spoken about them. It’s not that I fear people not understanding but them misunderstanding. Especially with those closest.

Before my junior year of college, I was a camp counselor in North Carolina. I’ve written about this. It was a lot of fun although chaotic. To deal with homesick kids, the camp had a mental health specialist to counsel them. My friend, who was a counselor like me, had a kid who found it hard to fit in. The specialist talked to him in my friend’s presence and mine. After talking to the kid, he tells us both that he knew we had seen a lot. Usually, most can’t tell but he knew somehow. I learned later that my friend’s brother has died in a car accident. I stayed over at her house and met her parents. They were still affected.

I can see that God not only allowed so many chaotic and traumatic events to happen but planned then. Each earlier event prepared me somewhat for one in the future. That was part of the plan He had. I needed to accomplish certain things in each location I was sent to. The beauty of it all is there was something surprising in each place that was good. I also could not imagine getting to see what I’ve seen, met the people I’ve met, and experienced what I’ve experienced. The trauma was either the cost of the good parts or maybe a very small part in comparison. While I recall the bad things that have happened, I remember more clearly the good.

North Carolina for example. The camp was poorly run. But I have fond memories of this time. I meet cool people, the kids liked me, I dance with a few pretty girls, and I listen to James Taylor’s Gone to Carolina the rest of the summer. Like pretty much every other location I’ve been at, I felt out of place. I was the only Asian there and they put me on the front cover of the brochure for the following year. Now I look back, I understand more clearly why God placed me there – a pattern of which I would like to tell you about eventually. Possibly why God put me on this Earth and something I’ve rarely good anyone because like some of the Defense teachers, if will not only be not understood but misunderstood.
Equation

November 16th, 2024

My daughter asks me these difficult questions on faith. Many of them motivate by a sense of fairness and justice. What makes parenting worth it. I try not to teach them what to think, but how to, I have my beliefs, much of which I keep close – for many reasons. But as the poet Kahlil Gibran aptly emphasizes, one cannot give your children your thoughts for they have their own.

She wonders a lot about the justice, wisdom, and practicality of God. No surprise there as we probably all do.

What she says does make me ask similar questions.

Maybe the one that resonated the most is how worth it is all this.

There has got to be a compelling reason to look for God or more accurately, let Him find you. And frankly, those who are supposed to reflect Him often do a piss poor job.

It’s not my place to judge anyone’s faith but sometimes I make this observation – Where is God in your equation?

For some, it’s not easy to see.

My family – immediate and extended – are all Christians, at least by claim and on paper. But some of the things they live by is so contradictory that you just wonder.

In my birth country, while it is technically legal to practice any religion, the reality doesn’t really line up. There is a much higher cost at times of doing so. For some, the discrimination and persecution is real – including prison or death. American Christians whine about all sorts of nonsense in comparison.

The main issue, however, is still what makes them different.

That comes down to both motivation and implementation. Neither of which seems any different than others.

It often comes down to real sacrifice, which in turn requires commitment, courage, love, and a bunch of other things a certain carpenter taught, lived out, and died for.

Ultimately, it also comes down to whether any of this really works?

In my field of practice, there are many questions on what actually works in preventing crime. Some are obvious, others feel like they were cooked up by a flock of crows, and some like the off-brand sodas sold in supermarkets.

I’ve come to realize, however, that the parallel question may hold more insights – What doesn’t work?

My wise older friends have to often remind me that this current existence isn’t the end all and be all, that there is not only an after but an alternate now, even if it feels invisible and imperceptible.

What some of us can feel all around but not see – a type of Force.

At the end of the day, my intuition still points to having the most high as part of the equation. I don’t understand it fully but I don’t have to.

What I have called the magic and mystery of it all.

That part of the equation covers for a lot.
Letters Of Faith – Waves And Lighthouses

November 15th, 2024

The stories I’ve sent and told you were costly. But it would have been costlier not to have lived them out. I tried to live honestly and freely. Despite the loneliness and pain, there was honor in doing if this way. The grace and love are found in the gaps and seams of life. They are often moments stolen from the struggle and fear that surrounds us.

Because I had so much fear, I leaned to be brave. So much stupidity, I sought wisdom. So inexperienced, I traveled and searched for it. And I found some of all of those. I did not receive much wealth, power (in the way people define it), or fame. Not even the stability and security I desired. What I received was something else. I still haven’t pinpointed what it exactly is but I think it’s a combination of knowledge, experience, impact, students, friends, pride. All I couldn’t leave behind.

From a song – all the beatings made me wise. But I’m not about to give thanks or apologize. A lot of the tough things I faced shouldn’t have happened. But they did. And the beauty of it all is I learned and grew. Tried to use what I learned to make things better. The song goes on – saw things so much clearer once you were in my rearviewmirror. It is about the author’s abusive father and how he escaped from his orbit.

I don’t think this area or world will really see or appreciate who I am. Will I ever make peace with that? I don’t know and I also don’t care as much.

I often think of the ocean. It has spoken to me ever since I was a child. The waves are comforting as they crash infinitely against the shore. They wash away everything in their path – sand castles, footprints, even the remnants of the prior waves. I like to think these are memory erasing waves because to some extent, we all need it. There are some memories that need to be forgotten – and they are often not what you might imagine they would be.

As I may have mentioned, I do not like sand. But I love the rocks on the beach. In Maine especially, the coastline is rocky and it is truly a sight to behold. There is tremendous peace being surrounded by this environment. And the lighthouses. So lonely but strong in their presence and what they provide.

I will remember these scenes in my dying moments. I often think what would flash before my eyes – it would be a collage of all the things I was privileged to experience. Even the bad memories somehow become a part of an overall good story.
Fluid

November 15th, 2024

My daughter once showed me her report card with great excitement and pride. When I actually read it, I thought to myself – Oh my, this looks exactly like how mine used to be – many Bs, a smattering of As. I’m no tiger dad so I just go good job kiddo while secretly wondering which athletic or musical skill she needed to work on for any chance at a college scholarship.

Recently, that little brain of hers that has some similarities with mine told me in a moment of self-awareness that her grades tend to be average. I told her that’s ok because her real intelligence was something else.

Something more fluid and practical.

She also was never the most athletic player on her soccer team, she was a tough defender but lacked the explosiveness for offense. What she excelled at was her understanding of the game, the strategy part. When she was 10, she immediately picked up on the Washington Capitals usual defensive lapse that let it the game winner. I hasn’t even explained much of the game to her.

For someone who has gone to quite a bit of school, I also really didn’t enjoy much of it. Not the substantive part at least. What intrigued me at every point, including.professional experiences, were patterns. Once you can see pattens, it’s much easier to do things – in many areas – faith, work, family, etc.

The daughter has been also studying for this ridiculous NYC phenomenon of a high school entrance exam. She needs way more work to have a shot at an elite program. I told her how insane this process is and not to stress about it – do your best and see where it all goes.

The reality is that these exams rarely measure all the types of intelligence. I joked with a close friend that she is like the team captain that doesn’t play all that much but leads from the bench. The Michigan Wolverines basketball team with the Fab Five of Chris Webber, Jalen Rose, Juwan Howard, had a senior captain who didn’t start. Also comparable to Tom Wilson of the Washington Capitals whose impact is measured in more than the points he scored. It’s in his overall contribution to the team. You know when he’s not on the ice.

The main strategic framework I’ve tried to impart to her and her brother is the OODA loop, which encourages and emphasizes drawing on an array of experiences to address and solve problems.

The daughter needs to learn to study better. I know she’s the life of the party at her study sessions. But we will get her to and through somehow.

And learn how to wave towels from the bench.
Letters Of Faith – It’s OK And Places

November 14th, 2024

It’s ok.

I learned to say this a lot in the years after I left Maryland. After I was exposed to the evils, lying, and corruption out there, I got so used to it that I resigned myself many times to just watching it unfold. Don’t get me wrong, when I could do something, I did. And was often punished for it. I could question God and I did, but it got more half-hearted over time. I didn’t really care all that much after a while. The reality is it is everywhere. I grew up with it in Malaysia and it was in this area as well.

But I think He still cared. I also think He answers. Sometimes, it’s with words. At other times, in other ways. Food, a friend, an unexpected gift, etc. And for me, many, many times, it was a place. Indiana, Minnesota, Philadelphia, and Boston, of course. NYC too but I try not to think much about it. The way I moved always alternated somewhere chaotic to somewhere peaceful. I think God planned it this way. I do not like recalling the tough places and I often go back in my mind to the places where I felt and saw the most beauty.

I do not like getting wet but even Boston in the rain was memorable. The tree lined streets, the historic buildings, cobblestones, the city squares. Beautiful. The youth and hope in the air. The anticipation of a bright future and realized dreams. I wasn’t immune from it all. Although it is an old city and in many ways not as functional as other places, it is the vibe and atmosphere that make the difference. To be honest, every season there has its charm – even the winter. The cold is brutal and the snow at times unending but the comfort of walking into a heated building is incomparable.

People are people everywhere. They are unique and flawed. But I think it’s the environment that also makes a difference. I was an advisor and guide for much of my life – professionally and personally. So in this period, it makes a lot of sense that one of the main people walking with me is my 85 year old former colleague from Indiana who was a chief academic advisor. He has a lot of wisdom and love. Although not a devout Christian, he was raised in the faith and understands Scripture and its contexts and meanings. When he quotes verses at me with his booming voice, it’s almost like God is speaking. This one time, we were discussing the Psalms and one of my favorite verses – “You prepare a table before me in the presume of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil. My cup runs over.” It was one of the most life giving moments I’ve experienced.

When I left Maryland to drive to Indiana for the first time, I made sure to play U2’s Gone as the first song driving away. The key lyrics for me were “Goodbye, you can keep this suit of lights. I’ll be up with the sun. And I’m not coming down.” I realized recently that the wisest and most compassionate people I met in the Midwest. Other than those years, I’ve lived mainly in the high pressured East Coast cities where there can be lots of competition and cynicism. Indiana was very lonely but it was so peaceful and quiet. There are two major roads traversing the town, which is built around the university. There’s not much to do other than to study. Maybe drink, but that wasn’t my thing. I was lucky to teach international students for two of my three years there and advised my last year. It made the stress of law school much more bearable.

But that song encapsulates how I felt about the DC area. It is suffocating and selfish in so many ways. People here often focus on career, wealth, titles, appearances. I felt so much pressure to live up to ridiculous expectations – others and some my own. There were rarely the safe stable places I so longed for.

As I said, I rarely to never ask why God allows evil to happen. I think the answers are mostly inadequate. I once had a case where a 5 year old was raped. Who answers? Who answers?

But the beauty. There was a lot of it to counterbalance the rest.

I long for all of it.

Especially the ocean.
Rationalizing

November 14th, 2024

This one is brutally short and simple. And builds on what I’ve written previously on not able to handle the truth.

Many people like to rationalize.

That’s how evil wins out.

I don’t want to rehash what I’ve experienced and narrated elsewhere in the writing. What I saw professionally and personally. The effects are grotesque.

There is no real need to label anyone but if you can’t call out the behavior, we’re doomed.

To do otherwise is dishonest and dishonoring.

Hurtful too.

It is also indefensible.

I take a lot of solace now in the presence of God, wise friends, and enduring songs.

Those are where the love and truth is found.

They heal and set us free.

Nothing else.
Letters Of Faith – Song Of Sunset

November 13th, 2024

I know you’re Cantonese.

One can tell. I won’t say more. But you can tell.

So there’s this legendary Hong Kong singer, Anita Mui, who touched and inspired many with her songs, life, and example. She died at the young age of 40 but what a life she lived. I watched two biopics of her life and read a bit on her.

She sang from an early age in nightclubs with her mother in order to make a living. After somehow getting noticed, she makes it to the point where she is considered the Madonna of the East, where at one point I believe she had a concert in the UK.

Tragically, she is diagnosed with ovarian cancer in her late 30s. Because she clings on to her dream of having kids, she refuses surgery. The treatment she receives is ineffective and upon realizing she will die, is not only accepting but even embraces her fate with characteristic defiance and courage.

She holds a series of farewell concerts. In her closing song, she wears a wedding dress that she specially commissioned for the occasion with a famous designer. Unable to find lasting love, she decides to marry the stage. In her last speech, she exhorts those listening to not have any regrets.

She then performs her very last song – aptly the Song of Sunset.

After she concludes, she kisses the stage, walks up a set of red carpeted stairs, and before exiting the arena, turns around and says goodbye one last time. She dies shortly thereafter.

Her singing voice is exactly like yours.

Song of Sunset

Sunset appears to have no limit but its radiance only lasts a short while gradually disappearing with the rosy clouds the brilliant rays once extinguished will not return

Year by year, month by month it’s difficult to endure the transformations of life that are like the clouds that congregate then scatter intertwisting on this weary face

On the endless road, suddenly aware of the dimming light happiness is brief and will never return who has insight that I wish to live an ordinary life?

Having encountered countless stormy trials that swept me into a whirlwind of mirage and dream Having experience being wrapped in your sincere arms accompany me through adversities and sufferings

This hasty life causes me to become dispirited with the path still long full of twists and turns one day I think of returning, but it’s already too late

On the endless road, suddenly aware of the dimming light happiness is brief and will never return who has insight that I wish to live an ordinary life?

This hasty life causes me to become dispirited with the path still long full of twists and turns one day I think of returning, but it’s already too late

Heaven birthed me as a lonely person thus I possess a gloomy heart
Coward

November 13th, 2024

One of my PhD advisors, who was born and raised in China, told us the story of how in the Second World War, hundreds of Chinese soldiers taken prisoner could be guarded by a lone Japanese soldier armed only with a rifle. To escape and break free, the Chinese soldiers could have rushed and overpowered the soldier. But they didn’t.

My advisor told us this story to illustrate his viewpoint that Chinese culture, at least back then, lacked courage and drive.

I’m not going to touch that one directly but in my personal experience, when there’s smoke, there’s fire.

But as I have repeatedly stated, I am Malaysian. So that’s that.

This one time, there was a speaker at a chucho retreat who used some pretty graphic sexual descriptions to illustrate his lesson on Hinduism. We’re talking porn level quality here. The audience included some elementary school age kids. So I said something. I was under 20 at that point. And you can guess what happened next.

Excuses and a lot of nothing,

My daughter recently told me that religion is made up. Perhaps some but I don’t think mine is.

I told her how the OG Christians died for their faith – fed alive to lions, burnt alive, crucified like the one we purport to follow. And how made up is all that if people are willing to sacrifice and even die. It would be so easy to deny and renounce.

This all takes courage.

Carrying that cross and dying it takes guts and more. A supernatural strength.

And who has that?

Those are the worthy.

The ones who can stand by, with, and for you.

The ones who have your six, come hell or high water.

The rest can enjoy their thousand deaths.
Letters Of Faith – Why It’s You

November 13th, 2024

I was just talking to a very old friend from high school. I told him about how I’m writing you and how unexpected and surprising it was because you and I don’t have a lot of professional or personal overlap in terms of direct experiences.

But it dawned on me why God would lead me to at least writing you the more in depth recollections. It’s because if someone had more or a commonality in one area, they would tend to look at me primarily or heavily through that lens. The fact you dont have that makes it easier in some ways to get the fuller picture across.
Letters Of Faith – Echoing In Eternity

November 12th, 2024

I wrote about this in other places with more detail so I won’t repeat for various reasons. But what I hid at the NYPD would have hurt the overall safety of the city and cost lives, both of the officers and the general public. My daughter’s godfather and several of my police colleagues pointed this out last year. I will be proud of this forever.

I was married for 15 years and was really not listened to or understood. Accepted maybe but known? Not so much. Loved? I’m not sure. An advisor said recently what I’ve been telling others for a long time – no one has really sat down with me to figure it out. Many want one-and-done conversations and brief explanations for what I’ve experienced and faced. I’m learning to make peace with that. Mainly have been ignored, minimized, downplayed.

Hidden.

Some knew the what but not the why. They knew what I did but not the reasons behind it. Many times they were deep and well thought out.

But God knows and understands. In some ways, He has honored me by allowing me to handle difficult scenarios and situations. The beauty and power of God is that He can actually do something. Friends and others can listen and do a bit, sometimes unwillingly, but God is sovereign and unlimited.

I’ve usually not cursed in front of you but I’m really good at it. I can do it in multiple languages. My primary native Chinese dialect, Hokkien, is noted for its profanity and vulgarity. It’s so infamous there’s a Wikipedia entry on it. I’m embarrassed to read some of the phrases because they are truly out of this world. But this was also part of me. I blame this on my mother’s side. They are gangsters but I got my fierceness and fire from them, as well as whatever athletic ability I possess. When I swear, it sounds authentic for what that’s worth. Although I was a civilian, many thought I was an officer. In some ways, I was more hardened than some because of my prior experience.

My undercover officer friend once arrested a predator at a childcare center. When he was cuffed, the predator smirked and told my friend that no one ever suspected him. My friend was justifiably angry. I told him, though, that although he couldn’t protect or save the kids that were previously hurt, he did so for all the ones to come. And this is often not really considered in our work, or really many other professions. We don’t think of the long term effects, mainly the short term ones, and sometimes we don’t even do that.

I have this wooden apple carving signed by several of the students from church. It’s inscribed with the words – “To teach is to touch a life forever.” I saved pretty much all my students’ comments and messages from all my years teaching. I’ve never done it full time like you but have been in doing it in various capacities since I was 19.

What’s this all about? I think this is about impact and consequences. I treasure this line from the movie Gladiator – “What we do in life echoes in eternity.” It is true of all of us – whether it is good, bad, all the in-betweens, and the non-existent.

I obviously think of you a lot. And you know, sometimes I hear God say that we both have something the other needs. On the surface, it doesn’t make a lot of apparent sense but if one looks deeper, it works – in the short and long run.

In any case, I long and want to tell you the stories, the story.

It was f—–g amazing on many levels.