The church I grew up in tended to value the shiny kids – academically elite, athletic, musical, charming, good looking. It really was the ethos and pathos of the institution, heavily influenced by the highly competitive and pressurized DC area culture.

Neither fun nor pleasant. And not isolated only to my church – it’s in many places, you know what I’m talking about.

Although I could hold my own in some of these categories, I wasn’t that.

Far, far from it.

We’re talking tortoise and hare far apart here.

I liked being in my own space and thoughts although few to no one really got it. I observed a lot. Just no place to put it on the most part.

Recently, I told my high school teacher about several of the shiniest kids and what they ended up doing.

Teacher says nothing wrong with those endeavors.

I then replied, true, but look at what I did. 

Teacher agreed.

My church was Jekyll and Hyde.  Solid teaching, many good people.  But the rampant hypocrisy, dissonance between what was preached and practiced, and the worship of so many gods other than the true, real one.

Pastors are human and imperfect but the ones we had at that time somewhat lacked the life experience, lenses, and worse, the humility to guide us properly. Some were actually very decent human beings but I felt they were limited by culture, dogma, politics, and possibly the worst factor of all – fear.

I really don’t want to be harsh but I still can’t escape the conclusion that so many churches, not just mine, don’t represent God all that well. Being a pastor or minister isn’t an easy job and I’ve learned to remember to be careful about walking in another’s shoes before making judgments.  God knows, I’ve been on the receiving end of quick, inaccurate assessments one too many times.

A huge responsibility falls on the pastors – it is the role of the leader to push back against unhealthy environments and culture.  Instead, what I often observed was not only a lack of resistance but also surrender and even adoption.  For my church, it was the unholy trinity of the negative aspects of Chinese, DC Power, and American materialistic culture. There is a higher calling, accountability, and responsibility.

At the end of the day, I think that everyone is responsible for their own faith or lack thereof, but some burden also falls on both institutions of faith and their leaders. The Jesuits get it right by sending new priests to difficult assignments to prepare them.

Yet there is still grace that somehow peeks and sneaks into all that is not good and especially the bad. That is still the mystery and magic of it all.

Can’t know what’s high
Til you been down so low

The future’s bright 
Lit up with nowhere to go 

To and fro the pendulum throws

To and fro

To and fro